Well Forget ALL I said In my last post...

No I take that back dont forget all of it...my feelings are still the same and will always be just I read him soo wrong and I actually had believed he did love me and that nothing was going to change that...Im not soo sure anything really did change...I think the truth just finally came out....

Its soo hard to except that I'm not good enough and that I never really was I was just kind of a replacement until what was really desired came around....I wish I could be soo angry and be able to think that its his loss and I deserve better but everything inside of me goes against that and I find myself only with forgivness cause I cant really blame him for not choosing me...Like what do I have to offer to him...

I wish the advice Ive gotten was possible to follow but I know I cant and even if I could I refuse to follow it...Im sure many people understand this pain but noone understands how much I need him in my life...he has become my best friend and though my feelings will never go away and it will be hard to see him and know there is nothin more than that I am willing to put myself through that again because there is no way I can lose him all together...I dont even want to imagine a day when I wouldnt be able to atleast talk to him or know that I can count on him to be there for me...It sucks that I cant have him be there for me in the way I want but I would rather him be happy than be miserable in a relationship with me wishing he had persued this...

I really dont know what Im going to do with myself though...after my encounter last night I really have made up my mind that Id rather stay alone then ever be with someone else...Noone can replace all the wonderful memories and all the feelings he awakened inside of me and I dont even want anyone to attempt it...

Its soo strange I still cry at almost every moment but my tears have seemed to stop flowing...I dont know anymore...but the only thing Im certain of right now is that he is the only thing that has always seemed right to me in my life...and my decision is to keep him in anyway I can...soo for now things are how they are and whatever is supposed to happen to us in the future will...

Soo Now I must figure out who I am.....

Well Its been awhile & quite alot has changed...

I Moved into King Saturday..thats going pretty good...my roomate's awesome soo Im sure thats going to go good this year and I love my suite mates and all my teammates

I just hate change though...I miss my old friends & I miss how things used to be...Ive been really depressed but I thought I was hiding it well but people like my daddy & Nick know way better...but thank God for them or I dont think I'd of made it through this weekend...Me and my mom and a HUGE fight she said alot of things Ill probably never forgive her for...I cant help but believe some of the things she says about me though...

People have started gay rumors about a situation with Nick and stuff...I know none of its true and I know I love him...I just wish that whole situation would disappear and I wish I wasnt the way I was about it but I cant help it...But all that matters to me is that I Love Nick and noone can change that or do anything to mess what we have up

I need to work on soo many things...I need to express my feelings more...I just hate bein emotional and dragging everyone down with my problems...but I know that hurts them too...I suck at all this stuff but I really want to change it

Wow...All these random thoughts are running through my head & I have no idea where they came from or anything...I really thought I was handling this ok but I dont think I am...but I also realize that the positives far out weigh the negatives...Im sad with the changes in school and friends and my relationship or lack thereof with my mom...but I know that I have soo many people behind me and I am so thankful that I have someone like Nick in my life who wants nothing more than for me to just let him help or be there for me and I love him so much for that and so much more...

I believe thats all for now...Im sure I could go on forever but I dont think I make much sense anymore..

I LOVE MY BOYFRIEND

BUT THIS IS WAY CUTE....

Tell her you think shes AMAZING.Tell her why you think shes so

amazing.Play with her hair.Talk to her in movie theatres.

Snuggle, Hold her hand, and lightly KISS her. Hold her hand and walk.Hold

her hand and run.Just hold her hand.Pick flowers from other

peoples yards and give them to her. Tell her she looks BEAUTIFUL.Introduce her

to your friends as "The most amazing girl I know''.Sit in the park and talk to her.

Take her ice skating, horseback riding ,and to playgrounds.Tell her

stupid jokes... Whatever it takes to make her laugh. Write poems

about her.Walk with her, even if its just around the block. Throw pebbles at

her window at night.SURPRISE HER.Do things that make her SMILE,

make her LAUGH, and make her want to KISS you right on the face.BE

SPONTANEOUS..When she starts yelling at

you, tell her you love her.Give her back rubs.Play football

with her.Let her fall asleep in your arms. Call her JUST TO SAY HI.Call her back if she hangs up on you.Jump on the bed with her. 

Whisper in her ear.Sing to her, no matter how bad you are. Carve your

names into a tree.Get her mad, then KISS her.Push her

on swings.Stay up with her all night.Leave her little unexpected notes.. on

the car, or on her door, saying how much she means to you.Take her to

romantic places and lay out blankets to look at the*stars*.Make up nicknames

for each other.Show up at her work or apartment unexpectedly.Send

flowers and dorky notes that only you two understand.Teach her guitar.

Lend her your cds.Make her cds of songs that remind you of her.Write her

letters.If she asks you to go to a show with her, go, even if it means

a 5 hour car trip.Go on a road trip even if theres no destination or you cant be

gone long.Listen to her favorite songs.When shes sad or sick,

hang out with her or stay on the phone with her, even if shes not

saying anything.Buy her ice cream.Let her take all the pictures

of you SHE WANTS.Look into her eyes.Slow dance with her,

even if the music is fast.Make her a romantic dinner for special days.

Remember dates.. even ones like your first kiss or date and

surprise her on the anniversary.Kiss her in the rain.Kiss

her when she least expects it. When you fall in love with her, TELL HER

Though this weekend was rough it also helped me realize some wonderful things...I realized how strong and wonderful my entire family is and I also realized how much I truly love Mr. Nicholas Roger VanEss

He was there for me the moment he found out...he let me be my stubborn self most of the time when I shut out the bad stuff and try not to face any of it...he let me do exactly what I needed to do to cope...and when I was finally ready to let it all out and just needed to cry on his shoulder he didnt say a word or let go until I was ready...I already knew I loved him but I had no idea I could fall any deeper but I did and I still am everyday...he is such a wonderful person and I couldnt ask for anyone better

Last Night I also realized how much my friends totally rock...and how Ive missed them dearly...we had a big cookout...and it was soo awesome being with shelley and amanda again...this is the first time we have really hung out all summer and its amazing because its like we never missed a day together...we do some of the craziest things...but the best part of the entire night was sitting by the fire by the lake till 230 just talkin about everything in the world...its really good for the soul...lol

I cant quite figure out why I deserve to be soo lucky....

Well I dont even remember what all has happened...But startin from this weekend it has been one rollercoaster of emotions...at about 12:30 Friday night my dad calls because my papaw had just passed away...and though I had tried to prepare myself for this I had no idea it would suck soo bad...he was the strongest and most wonderful person you could ever meet...he spent the last year of his life hurting so bad and fighting soo hard...but the amazing thing was he was fighting for us not himself...I know in my heart that the day my mamaw died that he wanted nothing more to be with her again...but he also knew we all needed him and wanted him and he held on for as long as he could...and it feels soo selfish to wish I had more time with him and everything because he hurt for soo long...it still hurts so much to think Ill never be able to watch him clap his hands and jump out of his chair to give me the biggest bear hug in the world when I went to see him...or look up in the stands after an awful game and see him smiling his biggest grin and his famous greeting of a few punches and a "Well Kris Whadaya Say?"...or how no matter how bad anything was he could turn it to a positive and have joke to lighten the mood followed by his trademark chuckle and a simple "SHOOOWEE"...I guess in reality you never really do get over things like this but Im trying to take my Papaw's outlook and think of the positive...of how he proabably met my Mamaw at the gate giving her that brilliant grin and his loving bear hug...and how he will be watching over me in everything...after a sucky game or day or just after anything I do I know he will be smiling down from heaven at me and that makes it all alittle easier to deal with..."Grieving is the price we pay for love..."
John "Red" Ervin 8/28/22-7/30/05
"To Live On In The Hearts Of Those You Loved Is Not To Die"